All the Tostitos: A fairy tale

All the Tostitos: A fairy tale
March 30, 2011, 6:56 am
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By Adam HartCSNNE.comThe following is the dramatized story of the Fiesta Bowl president and CEO who was fired for allegedly using bowl monies for extravagances and illegal campaign contributions. If only someone was there to tell the Madoff scam in fairy-tale form.Once upon a time a man got a job as a promoter for a bowl; a bowl so glorious onlookers came from across the countryside to view it. His name was Junker, and my he was good. As time grew, his work carried him up a tall ladder -- literally -- where he was charged with protecting the beautiful bowl. His new responsibility was a source of great pride for his family.Soon it became a source of something else, something tangibly better. Junker discovered this bowl contained money -- lots of money. Since few even knew that bowl atop the tall ladder held anything more than aesthetics, taking a small amount wouldn't hurt anyone. So he did just that.Junker promised himself he would only take money for the sake of the bowl. His hands first dipped into the bowl at a time of great anguish. For it became known those pilgrims flocking to witness the bowl also flocked to somehow-dangerous local strip clubs. "It is important for us to visit," Junker said to his most-trusted employees. "We certainly will conduct business there."And how. Junker repeated the phrase "This is for all the Tostitos" a dozen times during his trip to the strip club. No security risk was found. The 1,241 was worth it.His hands again dipped into the bowl, this time during great turmoil. Lawmakers were either for or against planting bean stocks to the south to prevent undesirables from visiting. As any good protector of a bowl would, Junker told his most-, semi- and least-trusted employees to make political contributions to the bean stock-backing lawmakers; he then reimbursed them via "bonuses." No undesirables saw the bowl. The 46,539 in "bonuses" was worth it.Junker's hands dipped into the bowl a third time. He was turning 50, which isn't all that old in the world of fairy tales. But he needed to throw himself a birthday party, anyway. Though some claim it had "absolutely no business purpose," the party allowed Junker to ease his mind. For a tense mind could lead to a dropped bowl, the very disaster against which he was hired to protect. The precious bowl did not fall from atop the ladder. The 30,000 was worth it.But one day the trustees of the bowl -- the mean old people who hired Junker -- showed up at the base of the ladder. They knew about the money in the bowl. Junker nervously looked down from atop the ladder, as the trustees climbed rung-by-rung. When they reached the top, they saw a sizeable amount of money was missing. Junker was fired. Ashamed, he descended down the ladder he once worked so hard to climb. He was instructed to never again witness the magic of the bowl in person. Junker, who took advantage of the bowl and those who made it shine, became an undesirable. A true undesirable.