By Jon Fucile
It's that time of year again! Hockey playoffs? Nope! NFL draft? Nope! Red Sox "fans" constantly overreacting to every pitch, at bat, game and inning to the point where you just want to beat them about the face and neck with a tire iron?! DING DING DING! We have a winner!
The Red Sox got thoroughly dominated in a three-game, season-opening set against the defending American League championship Texas Rangers and many "fans" are already talking about how the Red Sox wasted their money and spouting reasons the team should fire Francona. After three games. Apparently there is no chance for redemption in the remaining 246 games of the regular season.
The Five Stages of Panicking Red Sox Fans
1) Angry calls to radios shows. Fans are calling in by the barrelful talking about how everyone should be traded. Carl Crawford is an overpaid bum. Jon Lester couldn't strike out a team full of third-graders. Terry Francona couldn't manage a Dairy Queen. The Pink Hats will be the best. Crawford needs to pitch better. Lester needs to stop making so many errors in the field. Francona is the worst catcher in the history of baseball!
Basically these whiny, sorry excuses for fans want everyone who will listen to know the season is over and this is why the Red Sox never, ever, ever, ever win anything ever. How sad. Shudda you face.
2) Denouncing their fandom. Quite frankly these "fans" are sick of rooting for a team that quite cleary isn't going to win the World Series after three games. Every other team ever in the history of sports has never lost a game but the Red Sox just can't win.
Dumpsters are filled with Red Sox shirts and posters. Hats and jerseys are on fire in the streets. Screw this team. We should go find that Wally guy and beat him in a field! STUPID LOSER RED SOX!!!
3) Bridge jumping. There is no point to watching any more games this season. Fans waited all winter for the season to begin and now there is nothing left to watch. Or to live for. Time to head on over to the Tobin with the rest of the fans and do your best Montreal Canadien impression and dive. SEASON OVER MAN! SEASON OVER!
4) Needlessy starting "Yankees Suck!" chants at the most inappropriate times. Red Sox fans seem to hate the Yankees more than they like the Red Sox. They are so wrapped up in hating the Yankees that it is amazing they've even noticed the Sox got swept by the Rangers.
When things are not going well for the Red Sox, Sox fans simply focus on hating on the Yankees despite the Yankees having won a crap ton more titles and having a better overall record against the Red Sox throughout history. So Sox fans chants. At concerts. At Patriots games. At Bruins games. Even if there is no mention of any New York team. No one said Sox fans are the smartest.
5) Jumping back on the bandwagon. Inevitably the Red Sox will win 7 games in a row or something and the same fans that were calling for a Crawford trade or a Terry Francona hanging will pretend like they always believed in the team all long.