By Mary Paoletti and Adam Hart
Here are the sports world resolutions that were told to Wicked Good Sports on this New Year's Eve day. Enjoy the holiday, everyone!
I'm really retiring this year guys. For real. Honest. But that's not my resolution. My resolution is I'll be purchasing the local NBC affiliate near Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The call letters will now be WDBDT (What Did Brett Do Today?). Charmed the FCC into letting me have five letters. Does that impress you Miss Reporter Lady? . . . No?
Anyway, the local six p.m. newscast'll be thirty minutes of the most-interesting TV in the country:
Brett Favre has set the record for most uninterrupted time on a ride-on mower, spending eight hours on Bessy today -- WDBDT caught up with him . . .Brett Favre has declared today State Quarterback Day; Mississippi residents are asked to honor the quarterback in their lives by preparing a bounty of text messages . . .Brett Favre threw passes at Oak Grove High School today, but he seemed wishy-washy on if this means he'll be returning to the NFL for yet another amazing season . . .
It's a rule every sentence must start with "Brett Favre." Knew that'd put a smile on your face.
UCONN WOMEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM
Geno Auriemma, here, speaking on behalf of the most dominant women's college program of all time. Our team resolution is to never lose again. Ever. Stanford did end our record 90-game win streak on Thursday night, but like I said, I'm not destroyed about it. Why? Because winning that many games in a row is ridiculous. It was getting so crazy that I decided to let the Cardinals win the game. I was actually getting bored with winning all the time.
None of you probably noticed but during games I was usually reciting the Italian alphabet in my head or trying to think of new ways to make my chicken parm more exciting and flavorful. Letting Stanford end the greatest win streak in not-men's sports was the kick in the ass I needed to wake up and get back to coaching, know what I mean? I'm going to make the girls clean every toilet on campus on New Years Eve and then we're going to start working on being boringly awesome again. Salud!
Since my contract runs out after 2012, I need to lay the groundwork for tricking MLB owners into giving me another extension. I will be the first MLB Commissioner to commission from beyond the grave -- it's inevitable . . . Eeeexxccellent.
A 13-2 team. Setting records on a weekly basis. Supermodel wife. I've got to take a step back, and that's what I'm looking to do in 2011. Maybe tone it down to 50 charitable events, no new genetically perfect children and put a hard cap on how many dogs in New England can be named Brady; let's sprinkle some Bennys, Deions and Logans in there. Oh, and I swear I'm only saving 15 cats from trees this year. I don't like it anymore than you, but one man can only do so much.
In 2011 I'll shed these loser teams and rejoin the Patriots. Don't get it twisted, this ain't me crawling back like a dog. Sure, I miss 'em -- especially Woody. But they'll be begging me to come back; you know Deion Branch can't hold the Earf on his shoulders.
Good afternoon. And thank you for joining me as I make my New Year's resolution public. Many of you reading this probably hate me. Many of you reading this don't actually know me. Many of you have booed me, or made fun of me, a few have begged, "Tell me how to get mad booty!", and now, every one of you has good reason to listen to me now and blog about it later. I want to say to each of you, simply, and directly, I am deeply loving being single and will never get married again.
I know people want to find out how I could be so amazing at picking up chicks. People want to know how I could have gotten tied down with Elin and been father to some children when I could be raiding the world of the hottest women out there. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say. So Nike and I have put together an instructional video, called "The Art of Macking: How I Get it Done." It is my resolution to get even more dollars and even more ladies in 2011. And some golf stuff, I guess. Watch me now!
BronBron's resolution for 2011? To un-contract my full basketball potential. I feel that the The Decision contracted my attention on The Game of Basketball. I need to fix that. While me, Bosh and D-Wade have started de-contracting people's expectations for the Miami Heat already, we still have a ways to go. This is why I plan to work even harder in the new year at contracting distractions, embracing the non-contraction of our new team chemistry, and stop fighting the contractualization of my supporters. Haters only gon' make me better. Contraction.
I will not get violent retribution on a bowtie-less Tucker Carlson, who said on TV I should have been executed for dog fighting. I am totally reformed and in no way will chain Tucker Carlson to a fence without food and water. I certainly will not beat Tucker Carlson with a switch for losing a fight saying those things about me. I am reformed in 2010, and 2011 will be no different.
BZZZZZZZZZZ! Naw, I'm just kiddin'. Life has been interesting since the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. I've certainly gotten a lot of attention since then but it's been something of a mixed bag. Is it good that a wave of vuvuzela awareness has spread across the world? Absolutely. Is the criticism sometimes a little hard on my plastic soul, though? Yes, it is. A couple bans cropped up.... (All sporting events at the Cardiff City, SWALEC and Millennium Stadiums, Wimbledon, Melbourne Cricket Ground, Yankee Stadium, Fuji Rock Festival, Southeastern Conference of NCAA sports, UFC events, Gaelic Athletic Association events, 2010 Little League World Series, UEFA -- including all Champions League, Europa League and Euro 2012 events-- 2011 Rugby World Cup, Atlanta Thrashers home games, Kontinental Hockey League, 2010 FIBA World Championship and other hoops tourneys from then on, the entire NFL).
Yeah. That was a bit of a dark period for me. The Gaelic Athletic Association thing was particularly tough because my Ma's Scottish. But I'm resolving to keep positive. Here's to 2011 -- The Year of the Vuvuzela!
Look, I've got nothing to apologize for. I like feet. Is that a crime? I defy you to say my wife's toes aren't the hottest toes you've ever seen in your life. I mean, look at the pedicure! . . . I'm getting all flustered. This better not ruin snack time.
That's how you do a revolution sic, right?
Resolution? Man, I don't know. Can I resolve to be any more awesome? I guess, but I'm pretty amazing as it is. Ho'! Don't you take that for cockiness. It's just stating facts. Here I am, an NHL phenom at 20 years old. My 31 goals and 56 points might sit behind Crosby's on the offensive leaders chart (32G, 65P), but he's barely ahead, and with three years of life on me!
Plus, I'm taller. Everybody knows that tall people are more successful in life and produce better babies. Oh, and Crosby shoots lefty. Lefties think they're special but that's just a lie parents tell them so they don't realize that they're actually weird social outcasts. So maybe I'll resolve to be nicer to Sid because he's gotta be hurting today. While his point streak ends and he has to part with that dirty filthstache of his, I'm doing stuff like this: