By Mary Paoletti
Dudes! The Sox are about to throw down with the Yankees over this weekend so they have, like, a super chance to really bear down and gain ground in the Wild Card race!
Yeah, not really. But here are 10 things that could at least make the series worth watching.
1. Beckett comes to the stadium packing: The guy loves guns and has a vile temper. Sounds like the perfect way to get a leg-up on Andy Pettitte tonight. "My 12-gauge shotgun says that my 5-5 record and 5.71 ERA actually IS better than your 12-2, 2.81 crap." BOOM: roasted.
2. Adrian Beltre hits...from his knees: Instead of swinging himself down into proposal form, I want him kneeling when he starts every at-bat. Yup. I do.
3. Free beer.
4. More free beer.
5. Everybody on Boston's team dresses up rookie-style: It makes people laugh! And laughing is more fun than losing!
6. Baseball brawl: A real one. What I have in mind is actually a hockey fight on a baseball diamond. Again, why the hell not?
7. Ballpark operations changes the routine: No "Sweet Caroline" and nobody does The Wave. This is non-negotiable. Any persons who attempt either can be shot by Josh Beckett.
8. No drama from Derek Jeter: Red Sox pitchers will bean the Yankees shortstop every time he comes up to bat. We like you, Jeets, but there is no faking at Fenway. Not unless Steven Tyler is lipsyncing or Jimmy Fallon is pretending to be an actor.
9. Mike Lowell gets the standing ovation he deserves: Since arriving in Boston, Lowell has battled his body to do everything the Sox have asked him to--and, at times--more. On October 2, the fans should honor him as a true class act.
10. The Red Sox win: It still probably won't get them into the playoffs, but this is Boston we're talking about. Being obnoxious is what this city does best.