Deport Tiger Woods. Now.
No, Im serious, ask some other country if they want him and send him there. Preferably somewhere in Europe so they can be saddled with this choking dog and his appointed manservant every two years. I cant stand him or his act, but for the sake of God and country, Im willing to hold my nose and root for him.
Its just a shame that he cant return the favor and deliver, because, in addition to the sanctity of marriage, you can add playing for America to the list of things Tiger doesnt care about.
Yes this is a team event and this Sundays historic Ryder Cup gag job by the Americans is on all of them. The only difference between the Americans' effort in the singles and Justin Beibers tour debut was none of the Yanks actually vomited on the course (Jim Furyks bag might need to be emptied however).
With the mandatory Its a team event clich out of the way, I can say whats been obvious for years: having Tiger, the former best player on earth, is zero help in winning this semi-annual competition. Nikes ad execs want you to think this guy is the second coming of Christ in FootJoys. After 14 majors and more tournament wins than almost anyone else, you wouldnt be wrong in buying into it. Unfortunately thats hardly the case when national pride is on the line, because when it comes to the Ryder Cup, you realize youre not watching the Almighty so much as using his name in vein while Tiger chokes.
Tiger Woods has been on seven Ryder Cup squads and has a 1-6 record to show for it. His personal record is a less than pedestrian 13-16-3 and its long been thought that the way Woods goes about systematically preparing himself for singles dominance is poorly suited for a team format.
This couldnt be more evident than in an alternating-shot format. The robotic Woods absolutely short circuits in foursomes with a 4-8-1 record. This is a guy who is so incapable of dealing with anything outside his routine that he hired Stevie Williams to be not so much a caddy as a one man anti-camera jihad. So, playing him in a format that makes him hit someone elses shot like having Paula Deen cater for the patients in the cardiac ward at Mass General. American Captain Davis Love III, to his credit, finally figured this out and rightly sat Tiger to much fanfare on Saturday.
Its too bad Love didnt plan on sitting him for everything but the singles matches because Tiger is below average in the four-ball format as well. Eldrick and his designated golf nanny Steve Stricker went 0-2 in their two four-ball matches bringing his career record to a Van de Veldeian 5-8-0. Go back and read the justification given for Strickers Captains selection and it basically boils down to Tiger likes to play with him. Not he gives us a better chance to win or hes nails in the Ryder Cup. Its simply to give Woods, a guy who sucks in the team portions of the event, someone to talk to.
It didnt get any better for the bosom buddies in their singles matches. Steve Stricker had a 1-up lead with two to play and collapsed like a gallery stool. And for good measure Tiger only managed a very shaky half-point against one of the Super Molinari Brothers and was underwhelming all match. If Woods delivered on his promise and talent and sent Francisco back to Princess Peach empty-handed a few holes earlier, the pressure would have swung back to the Eruos. Given Tiger was 4-1-1 going into this event, his point should have been an early certainty. But Stricker and Woods' placement at the back of the slate of singles matches tells you all you need to know about what Captain Love thought of them. Best-case scenario, their matches would have never mattered.
Unfortunately they mattered greatly, and when you sift through the shouldering wreckage of this collapse CSI style you can just draw a chalk outline around Tiger and Stricker. Their marginally animated corpses provided the Euros with 4 12 of their Cup-retaining 14 12 points. Colin Montgomery could have stumbled out of the press box and won at least a half point each day while bursting at the seams with Chicagos finest Vienna Beef. In retrospect, Davis Love would have been better off locking Tiger in a Perkins for Friday and Saturday and given Strickers spot to someone like Rickie Fowler or Hunter Mahan or anyone that doesnt view this event as pain and a chore like Woods does.
Remember how much fun it was watching the U.S. team in 2008? Armed with six Ryder Cup rookies, Captain Paul Azinger let the likes of Boo Weekley, Ben Curtis and J.B. Holmes pave the way to the Cup. Instead of worrying about Tigers giant ego, we were in awe of Anthony Kims giant... belt buckles. That wasnt a team that won with talent. It was a team that won by being a team.
So England, if you want Tiger, hes yours. France, consider him our thank you present for the Statue of Liberty. Italy, you could solve your debt problems with a TV mini-series about his confessions with the Pope. Tony Massarotti, if you have any connections in Finland, this is the time to use them. Ireland, Scotland, Spain? Given this guys recent history he could be easily be a dual citizen of the Netherlands.
Unfortunately, America is probably stuck with Tiger, because Europe already has him right where they want him
Playing for us.